For as Long as I had Him

I have had this nagging feeling to redo the style on my blog. Originally, it was a pretty blue color with yellow ribbons and a beautiful yellow butterfly. I realized recently that you couldn't even see the butterfly.

Butterflies have become important to my heart. When John died, I found solace in the dirt planting his butterfly garden. I got through those first weeks planning, digging, watering and weeding. I figured that it was the least I could do to nuture something in his honor since I will never have the opportunity to mother him myself.

I am thrilled whenever I see a butterfly using his garden or find evidence of such. When we came home from vacation, there was an empty chrysalis (and there still is) hanging from one of the palm trees. I planted the garden specifially to attract the Monarch butterfly, a native here in Florida and am happy to see them finding a home in John's garden.

So, this evening I am having mixed emotions. For as of this late night, which has now become Tuesday the 4th of August, I have been without my precious baby for as long as I was pregnant with him.

Seventeen weeks. It seems like an eternity.

Seventeen weeks. It seems like yesterday.

Seventeen weeks. It seems like I should be moving on.

Seventeen weeks. It seems like I will never will.

And so, I try to quiet the nagging in my head that says it's time to make a change my blog, to make it reflect more of what I am feeling today. I want it to show that I feel a little more hope, as I really did start this blog to chronical my way through motherhood, but I am not ready to get rid of my butterflies or the other parts that I have here to help me get through John's loss.

Through a few other blogs, I find that I can make the layout myself. I have a little skill in digital scrapbooking with Photoshop and figure out that I can make my own layout and through a little bit of copy/paste and clicking the right code in the right spot, I have managed to do it. It took me awhile to get the hang of it, but I enjoy creating things like this. I love the colors, I love that I did it myself and best of all, I love that I got to put a butterfly exactly where I wanted.