Health. Kids. Home.

On my mind lately has been the fact that I will be staying home this school year. As my friends are eagerly unpacking in their classrooms this week, I am only getting my own children ready. Supplies, lunchboxes and new clothes. All for them and not one item for my would be classroom.

This is a cruel reminder because I had put in to be able to stay home this year with a new baby. A new baby that should have been here in a matter of weeks. I find myself not knowing what to do, caught in unknown territory. I hadn't expected this and have been unsure of what to do with myself.

There are days lately that I just want to forget that he ever existed. Certainly, that would be better for me, right? There are days where I cannot get past the grief, though I completely try to shield my entire family from it. I don't think that can be good for me either. Having a whole year off? Too much time to think about it either way.

I have put alot of thought into what this next year will bring. I am unsure, but certain that I am supposed to be more excited than I am. I have already been a stay-at-home mom and I don't think I was very good at it. I focused too much on being perfect. Damn Martha Stewart. I craved adult conversation, mental stimulation, and could only take so much cleaning. That was over six years ago and things are different. I am older, a little more patient, and have worked in the career of my choosing. I'm worried and have just been trying to figure out what to DO with myself, so much time and how it could possibly be different this time.

In the last eighteen weeks, I have gained twenty-two pounds. I had lost ten pounds while I was pregnant (an indication in my heart that things really weren't right) and so I start at that mark. I have eaten my grief, trying to dull the pain and take away the tears. I haven't done that at all, grief is still with me. All I have done is outgrown my clothes.

My children have suffered too. My daughter tried on a dress that we just bought a month ago. It doesn't fit. Granted, I do think the cotton sundress shrunk a bit in the dryer, but I realize that she has gained weight during the same time period that I have felt so rotten in. I feel bad and I know we need to fix this.

So. My priorities this year will be:

1. Our Health. We, the parents, have restarted Weight Watchers now that the summer is winding down, all of the family is gone, and sadly, because I am no longer pregnant.

2. My children. Something has happened to their spirit and bodies since we lost John. I am sure that having a grieving mommie has not helped this situation at all. It is my desire to get them back on a path that helps them become the best people that they can be.

3. Home. We moved here seven years ago and I still have boxes unpacked in my closet. I have rooms to paint. I have the paint, just haven't followed through. I feel like there is clutter in our way of living. Pictures celebrating our lives together that have never been put up. Home repairs that make life a smidge more difficult and aesthetically pleasing. I intend on making this a home where priorities #1 and #2 can shine through.

I don't know what the next year will bring. It is my hope that I can take these baby steps forward and be able to look back in a year and know I did the best I could.