October 15th ... A Day of Rememberance

I have a candle lit for John. I have a candle lit for all of the babies who have gone before us. I got home a little past seven o'clock, a little late for the 7-8pm designated time, but now.... now, it's well past eight and I still have my candles burning. I sort of don't want to let them go out. What if there isn't anyone lighting one in the Central or Western Time Zones? Couldn't have that happen, now could I?

I started to light a candle for every mama that I know who has lost a baby. I don't have enough candles. That's crazy. In this journey, I have met more people online and in real life that have lost a baby. No one talks about it. No one mentions it to you when you discover you are pregnant.

I've had that happen to me recently. The first person in real life to tell me that they are pregnant. I am happy for them. Really, truely happy for them. But, when I was asked if we were having any more, I just squirmed in my seat a few seconds and replied that it was a sensitive topic and tried to talk about something else. It's not that I am not happy for this person, I just don't really want to tell her how my last one ended for me.

And why shouldn't I feel okay to talk about it with her. Maybe I don't want to ruin her good, hopeful spirits. Maybe I don't want to be labeled as someone who has lost a baby and get that *look* people give to us who have lost babies. That gentle smile on the head that's slightly tilted to the side with a look that says they have no idea of what to say to me. And who really does know what to say.... unless you've been there yourself.

I wonder if anyone has brought this day, this 15th of October to Oprah's attention. Goodness knows I would throw up if I went on her show to talk about this topic. I would almost rather be on Biggest Loser weighing in with my blue (no Julian fan here) sports bra on. Almost. We've had to hear about pink this and pink that for over a month now. Yes, our boobs are important, but what about our babies? What about the babies.

I hope I am strong in spirit this year enough to participate in the March of Dimes walk. Last year, it was only mere weeks after John died. This loss has left me feeling all sorts of emotions that are pretty undescribable. I've been angry, sad, mournful, depressed, heartfelt, empty, uplifted, numb, and inspired. All at different times, all at the same time. I'm just hoping to look back on memoral days like today and know I've tried my best... to grieve the loss of my baby, to take care of myself and my family.

So, I'm letting the light burn a little longer tonight. My heart feeling a little better knowing there are mamas out there doing the same.