Footprints

Yesterday was the second anniversary of losing John. I remembered it alone. My husband didn't even remember nor did he say a thing the entire day yesterday. Grantded, he slept for work for much of the day, but a "Hey, how are you doing today?" would have been nice. I didn't bring it up to the other kids then too. How, if their daddy didn't want to acknowledge or otherwise talk about it, why should I then take them into threnches of remembrance with me.

So, I grieved by myself yesterday, spending most of the day in quiet reflection in my own head. The world around me noticed nothing. I was hugely disappointed by the lack of sympathy or acknowledgement from "friends" on Facebook. I put myself out there by writing a personal email to 181 people who I thought would have my back. Who, if they hadn't been through it themselves, knew someone who had. One person donated in honor of John. My own mom. Now, I could have saved myself the heartache and had her donate without letting the whole world know my story. Three others did post heartfelt wishes and that warms my heart to know someone out there was thinking if me. I didn't want a ton of donations. I just wanted for others to hop on there, donate a dollar and sign their names to let me know they understand.

I wrote a letter to John after the kids went to bed. I wrote it by candlelight with his little angle statue beside me. I cried and took it outside with the candle to burn. I hope the smoke would take my words to the heavens.

I carefully took out his Teddy bear that holds his cremains. What an awful thing to have in your house... The remains of your dead baby. Awful because you had to go to the funeral home to make all of the arrangements. Awful because you had to pick out an urn for your child's ashes. I don't know how many other people in this world have their child's ashes within reach, but if I do, I can only imagine.

I took out the birth certificate that the nurse stamped with his footprints. There is something so powerful with seeing those. They say to me, after hardly anyone else did yesterday that MY BABY EXISTED. Here is the proof. He was here and I'm sorry that I ever even looked to Facebook friends to validate it for me.