Believe

It seems that this year this holiday season is upon us earlier than ever. I don't know if it's being home that has put me in the mood, but something is tugging at my spirit.

I have already started planning and shopping for Christmas gifts. There are a few that I intend on making by hand and from the lesson I learned at Halloween, I evidently take longer to sew things than I could imagine and so I had better get started ASAP.

I have a Christmas playlist and I popped it on to get a little bit of house cleaning done (I am feeling really, really tired and sleepy today so I thought it would help get me moving). The first song on the playlist is Josh Groban's "Believe". Automatically, the tears are falling. This season may be harder on me than I imagined.

I found out that I was pregnant with John on New Year's Eve. I hate to say it, but I had a feeling then that I shouldn't have taken a test that night. In the back of my mind was the "What If" thought..... "What if I miscarry this baby." Feelings like that occurred often during that pregnancy, I just tried to ignore them and carry on like it was any of the others. I never worried about losing the others. I can admit today that I think I knew even then. In the back of my head, I knew I was going to lose John. I don't know why, but now I am going to have to remember every New Year's Eve as the night I learned of something that I lost.

And, I am going to have to face not having him in my arms this Christmas. His very first. The one where he's way too little to even notice the flinging of gift wrap, though I am sure he would have enjoyed the lights.

God. This is going to be hard.

I just have to believe.

Believe that this has happened for a reason.

Believe that he is somewhere better.

Believe that I can celebrate and not forget.

Believe that one day it won't hurt so much.