12 Weeks

I'll admit that I counted down the minutes 'til midnight last night just so I could go to sleep happily knowing that I was 12 weeks pregnant. I am so happy to have made it to this point. I worry still because I know that I lost John two weeks before he was born. That in the back of my head that this baby could have passed two weeks ago and I wouldn't know it or will and I won't know it.

We thought we had to go to Meghan's Student of the Month ceremony today. We showed up with the camera all ready, looked around and really didn't see her class. Turns out that we showed up to the 3rd-5th grade ceremony and hers is tomorrow. But, in the meantime, we were in the cafeteria and might I say that I am so very thrilled that I am not teaching this year. Smells are horrific with this pregnancy and boy, those cafeteria ladies must of have some lunch ready for the kids today. Some sort of chicken, sweet and sour something or other that just REEKED. Yesterday, I baked chocolate chip cookies and the whole house stunk of them even while I was watching the clock approach midnight. I told hubby that they had better of enjoyed those cookies because they are probably the last ones that I am making for awhile.

Morning sickness is getting better, then again I've been feeling more queasy at nighttime now. I can also take a nap anytime, anywhere, but don't really get the chance because my dear two year old really isn't into the whole taking naps thing these days. Poor Mama.


I go to see the Periontologist on Friday. It's supposed to be for the nuchal fold screening, but it's my first visit there, so I know that they will take all sorts of measurements. Give them some baseline data to go off of for the rest of the pregnancy. I expect that the appointment will take 1 1/2 hours like it did when I went in with Rebekah. I love Dr. B and hope that I get to see her. Her fellow doc is sorta intimidating and I know my blood pressure does wild things when I have to see him. I'm keeping my fingers crossed because I don't want to call back and ask like a dumdum if I made the appointment with the right doctor. I was just so happy that they are going to see me earlier than with John that I forgot to even ask. Which actually brings me to another dilemma I am having.

I have had the same OB/GYN since 2006. She has seen me through my fibroid surgery, the pregnancy with Rebekah and then with John. With Rebekah, I was scheduled to see the periontoligist about this same time... 12 weeks. With John, they didn't even schedule me to come in until 18 weeks, which at the time seemed kinda late in the pregnancy. I've asked a nurse why that was right after we lost him and she told me that Dr. B looks at all the info and decides when the patient should come in. But, I don't think so.

When the receptionist called this time, she tried to schedule me for the same 18-20 week anatmony scan. I told her that I should be seen for the NT screen and she replied that they didn't make a note of that, but scheduled me for the appropriate time anyways. 12 weeks.

I would really like to ask why the difference, like who screwed up and didn't schedule me to be seen with John earlier. Was it the OB's responsibility to write an approximate time that she thought I should be seen? Did Dr. B really look at my file to tell her staff when to schedule me? Or did the secretary just call me because she had paperwork in front of her and with no other information, decided herself when to make the appointment. I am hesitatant to ask but I would like to see where the shortcomings were in my care.

Then again, would it have really made a difference? Would we have had a different outcome? Probably not. An ultrasound might have even found out that I was losing him and I would have had to go through waiting for him to die and leave my body. Maybe it was for the best that I hadn't gone and asking all these questions just might make me look like a nutcase. Still... I wonder and Friday, I will have a few more answers for this little one. If we still have a heartbeat. If we have anything not right going on. And you know, for a fleeting moment last night as that clock clicked away until midnight, I was the pregnant girl that didn't have all these worries. For a moment, I didn't consider that I might have to prepare myself for the loss of another child. For a moment, I was a sleepy pregnant girl that still had a bit of that innocence that I lost when I lost John.